It’s been 2 years to the day since my son’s funeral, 734 days since his passing. I think of him each day, every moment that my mind is not occupied with tasks at hand. As I boarded a plane from Los Angeles on the date of his death, all the smells sights, emotions, and physical hurts came rushing back as I remembered boarding a plane in Gothenberg, Sweden on this same date in 1998.

     Does one ever get beyond this daily regimen of guilt, pain, and wonderment? I can’t count the times I’ve heard from people, ‘life goes on, move on, find a new life’ from friends, counselors, co-workers, and self-help books. And then I wonder if any of these well-intentioned people have every experienced the same sort of thing.     I know we all lose loved ones, that’s a part of life. But to lose a child, your blood before their time or yours, is different in every way. Because love is never finished.

     I would give my life for just a few moments of peace, moments without feeling the black hole that lives deep inside. Creating, working, traveling and just simply keeping busy and awake are the numbing mechanisms that allow my life to continue, to pass through each day. In counseling, other parents tell you that the hurt goes away, and one begins to live with the hole, similar to losing a limb. I suppose they are right; for me, it no longer is agonizing every second, every moment. After two years, it only hurts me when I breathe. Because love is never finished.

     And so I accept that this is what I have in my life.  I will miss him with all my heart for all my life. And one day, I pray I’ll see him again, and my soul will be at peace. For love is never finished.

     My love for my son is endless. It’s spawned innumerable songs over the years, most of which will never see the light of day. “Closer to Heaven” from “VOICES” originally had lyrics, if you listen to the CD closely, you can hear the words….

“I’d give up my life just to touch you again

You’re the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been.

All that I want is to hold you somehow,

Son how I wish you were here with me now.

For I’ve got to have your love,

For my life, I need your love,

Your love……”

     Many years ago, I wrote a song called “Daddy’s Arms.” It was released on the “Ultimate Collection” in 1992. The short story behind that song was the first time I lost my son and daughter. I went to pick up my children for our weekend together, and found a real-estate lock on my former spouse’ front door. Without telling me, she had packed up my children and left the state, not to be found for quite some time.

     In 1997, I heard a song that sounded similar to “Daddy’s Arms” and decided to re-record the piece. Until now, it’s never been heard outside my studio. Even today, it’s a powerful song for me. Perhaps it will be for you as well.

“Daddy’s Arms”

Douglas Spotted Eagle/Robert Gass

This is in MP3 Format, at 128k, so it is near CD quality. Please feel free to distribute it as you see fit.