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Several people have asked me to put up some of the Native jokes that go around in my travels, so here they are. I take no credit for authorship of any of them. Some are not really suitable for small children, so be forewarned.....On the other hand, some sensitive folks may deem these jokes to be somewhat racist. They're not racist, just culturist, and it's important to laugh, especially at yourself. If you have a funny Native Joke, please send it along, we'll post it here if it's not too disgusting....

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Anglos have BC and AD to measure time. Native People have the five BC's****(see bottom of page)

This wagon train is heading across the desert, when all of a sudden the wagon master notices that on all sides of the valley,  there are Indian guys. He quickly forms the wagons into the "Hollywood" circle, to protect the families in the train. Nothing happens. Soon, drums are heard pounding out in the distance, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum.......(the famous Hollywood drumbeat from the John Ford movies) The wagon master tells the train, "I don't like the sound of this...." From out in the distance comes another voice, saying, "We don't like the sound of it either. He's not our regular drummer!"

A Cheyenne man goes into a grocery store, and asks for a package of toilet paper. The clerk offers him 3 kinds, Charmin, Best Brand, and Generic. The Cheyenne man takes the generic. He comes back in a week later, throws the remainder of the toilet paper at the store clerk and says, "I don't want no cheap John Wayne toilet paper!" The clerk laughs and says, "It's not John Wayne toilet paper, it's GENERIC toilet paper." The Cheyenne guy tells him, 'You can call it whatever you want, but it's rough, tough, and won't take crap off nobody!"

A Dine' guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old anglo men. The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?" Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year", The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there." Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?" The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!" Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!" Then the little Dine' guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."

Between the reservation and the city, there is a road that marks the boundary lines. On one side of the road are the rez dogs, and they just kind of lie around staying cool. On the city side are the city dogs, and they always chase cars as they go down the road, barking, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow". One day the city dogs ask the rez dogs, "How come you never chase cars with us?" The rez dogs respond, "What's the point, it's just a waste of time. The cars don't do anything when you chase them." The city dogs tell the rez dogs that they think its just a lot of fun, so finally the rez dogs agree to try it just once.
The next car comes down the road, and the dogs from both sides chase the car. The city dogs bark, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow" and the res dogs chase too, but they bark, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow, Bow-wow, Bow-wow ...........eeeehhhhhhhhhhh." :-)
What did the Dine' lady say first time she went into Pizza Hut?
"Who threw up on my frybread?"
What did the Oglala say when his dog fell into the Fire?
                                                                                                                Hot---Dowg, ...

What did the Cheyenne River guy say When he couldn't find his dog?
                                                                                                               Dowg Gone....
What do u call a dog waggin its tail walking thru Rosebud?............
                                                                                                                A Happy Meal

NASA asked this elder Dine' guy to record a message to put on their newest SETI satellite, along with messages from other cultures and languages. He records the message, the satellite is launched, and one day CNN broadcasts the messages being sent into outer space from the spacecraft. A huge belly laugh is heard coming from the entire northern portion of Arizona. When CNN asks why the people are laughing, a man from Chinle tells them, "The message says that if they are hearing this, to stay quiet and don't respond, because as soon as the white man knows where those aliens live, they'll come over for dinner, and end up NEVER going home!"

An Apache guy, who had spent his whole life in the desert, goes to visit a friend who had moved to town. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teapot whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teapot into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the noise, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the Apache guy, "Why'd you bust up my teapot?" The desert man replies, "Shii' kiis', (my friend) you gotta kill these things when they're small."
2 Lakota guys and a dude from New York are on a hunting trip. On the first day, one Lakota goes out, and less than an hour later returns with a deer. The guy from New York is blown away. "How did you get your deer so fast?!" "Easy" says the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and got my deer." 
The next day the 2nd Lakota guy goes out, and less than an hour later returns with a deer. The guy from New York is blown away again, just flabbergasted. "How did you get YOUR deer so fast?!" "It's simple" says the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and there was the deer."
On the third day, the New York guy goes out. He doesn't return, and when darkness begins to fall, the two Lakota guys go looking for him. They found him lying at the base of a hill, bloodied up, clothes torn, and bones broken. "What happened to you?" they asked. "I did just what you told me to do, I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and the damn train ran me over."
Did you know that vegetarian is an indigenous word?
                                                                                                        Translated it mean "Can't hunt"!


The Bureau of Caucasian Affairs

    United Native Americans (UNA) are proud to announce that it has bought the state of California from the Caucasians and is throwing it open to Native settlement. UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San Francisco. UNA determined that the winos were the spokesmen for the Caucasians people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Sioux, and sold California for three cases of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasians Affairs, has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the Caucasians four large reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota,
and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the Caucasians "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows" (or until the Indians want it back.)
    All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the Caucasians by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any Caucasians who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.
    Of course, Caucasians will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway. Each Caucasian will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy Horse.
    If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No Caucasians need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which Caucasians youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.
    Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
    Caucasians at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will be given traditional Caucasian names.
    A famous Native movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use many actual Caucasians to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English, although, of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Native actor Wes Studi.
    Certain barbaric Caucasian customs will, of course, not be allowed. Caucasians will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Native ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each Nation to convert the Caucasians on the reservations. Caucasian churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities.
    Caucasian cemetaries will be deconstructed and all artifacts will be housed in museums. Skeletal remains of Anglos will be put on display and their skulls will be studied, measured, scrutinized, and analyzed so that Native people can determine just what is wrong with Caucasian people. Caucasians cemetery land will be distributed among people wishing to build roller skating rinks and stop-and-rob stores.
    There will be two separate but distinct legal and judicial systems: one for Natives and one for Caucasians, but Natives will hold all the judicial seats, legislative seats, and will staff all police and fire departments. Caucasians can become police officers and fire fighters on their designated reservations but can only act in minor roles. Legal and judicial authority comes directly from the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs.
    Several holidays will be developed to honor Anglo people's contributions to society. To further honor them corporations and schools will be encouraged to develop pagents, festivals, sporting events, and for-profit items that can carry the images and names of the Caucasian people.
    Educational books (history, archeology, paleotenology, astronomy, medicine, music, literature, art, etc.) will reflect the many contributions of Caucasian people on pages 1, 2, and part of page 3 of every book. The rest of the pages will focus strictly on Native history and contribution.

While this is humorous, note that it is a mirror of Native/Anglo culture in the past years, and still is this way in many purviews......Think on it while you laugh

Remember, one cannot make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on their butt, and who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

Before Columbus
Before Custer
Before Commodity
Before Casinos
Before Costner!!

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