9-19-00 - EDITORIAL
The Long, Last Goodbye/Final Flight Tour
- When you have someone for so many years, someone made from part of yourself, and someone you have loved more than it is probably good to love anything, and that someone is lost to you…there is nothing that can possibly measure the size of the wide empty, hole that’s left dead center in your chest. No words to describe the numbness, no expression to relieve the hurt.
- They say that "life goes on"; Does it really? Perhaps for some. For others, it merely becomes a façade, a pretense. And if the pretense continues long enough for others to believe, with any luck one can learn to believe their own pretense. Pretense, just another word for a lie. Living a lie. Full time. And one day, you have pretended to believe the lie for so long that when one looks in the mirror and realizes that the lie is a parody of itself, then the feeling of self-doubt intensifies.
When I’ve been onstage, my entire world is at it’s peak. My emotions are true, my experience real, my expressions heartfelt for as much heart as I have remaining. The adrenalin rush is second to nothing, the passion infinite and immense. The moment of absolute truth. Infinite, forever, for a few hours.
And then the last song is played, and once again, I’m alone. Alice Cooper once sang, “I may be lonely, but I’m never alone. The night passes by, and I’ll never cry.” I wish I had the same strength. Because as all things balanced must be, the incredible rush and power experienced on the stage turn into bleak emptiness and isolation regardless of who might happen to be around. That's simply part of the balance, powerful expression in shared emotion, and quiet moments to balance the noise and craziness of the performance. And in those quiet moments, the darkness creeps in and the mind is allowed to explore the shadowy memories, good and bad. Guilt and pain begin to take over, and thoughts of traveling down a perpetual road becomes a welcome deliberation. For the betterment of my family and friends, this is not a choice to be made in a moment of lacked passion.
In the past, prior to my son’s death, I was able to pass this feeling off by being with the band and friends, recalling the mistakes, perfections, and joy of the performance. No longer is this the case. I prefer to not taint the happy moments the others enjoy with my lack of spirit, rather, to allow them to revel in the happiness they so rightly deserve.
Worse, in those same moments of despair, I receive notes, e-mails, or words meant in kindness that are like knives in my spine, wherein individuals tell me of messages from my son, or well meaning “he’s with God now” and similar homilies that reek of Hallmark cards, intended to provide solace, but heard as pithy ripostes of unknowing, well-meant souls.
And so for this, I leave the place I love the most, and equally fear.
I will continue to make music, at some near point in time. I shall continue to find that place in the road where I can comfortably walk without feeling numb in the waking hours. But for now I need to grieve, cry, hurt, and focus on things that allow my distraction. I have finally found that distraction, and shall spend my time in that vein until I drop from exhaustion or have found the peace I so clearly need to find. If it's ever to be found.
There are those that would view these words as a cry for pity; do not see it as such. As I’ve said many times, I have no fans, but rather friends and family. There are many others who have experience their own brands of the pains, hurts, challenges that I'm expressing here. I'm no different, except that I feel like l may be letting friends and family down by stepping away from who I once was. And maybe still am. And maybe not. And as friends and family, the emotions should be shared as best they can. I keep various aspects of my life personal, yet something so powerful as to remove me from my place on the stage should be shared with those who care.
Otherwise, I’m just trying to fool others whilst I’m mostly fooling myself.
- God bless you all, and may the Creator walk with each of you. We are all humans; optimistically humans “being” rather than humans “becoming.” If we can simply learn to understand ourselves and our pains, we can better understand others and their pains. And therein lies the key to true social peace in this world. Because we are no longer divided by color, race, religion, sexual preferences, socio-economics, or geographical region. Rather we are only divided by our dreams and the place we occupy in achieving those dreams. I have colossal dreams for this world. I dream of peace and sharing for all. I’ve given all I have for the time being in order to see this come to pass. And though I feel I've somewhat failed to realize those dreams, my best has to be good enough. For now.
- For now I’m one of those needing to receive these things, and must take the time away to find what I’m looking for. And that in itself is a journey. One I have not been, and am not now prepared to take. But will do my best to venture and conquer. To all of you who have listened to my music, come to the concerts, written letters, cards, and e-mails, thank you. Weak words, but intended well. To the dancers, musicians, stage technicians, sound & lighting people, managers, agents, assistants, drivers, and partners, thank you all as well. You've made my dreams possible, and we made most of them come true. I pray it's been as good for you as it has been for me. You will always be remembered, and well regarded.
Hozho naa’naa’ (walk in beauty)
- Douglas Spotted Eagle
- 9/18/2000
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